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There is a lot of love behind a “no”.
Self Sabotage. Self-destruction. Call it what you like…many of us do this.
Yesterday on Oprah, I heard a Mom comment on her parenting style. She said she believed in discipline and that there was “alot of love behind a no”. I stopped dead in my tracks. There is alot of love behind a no. That applies to us, you know. Those of us who have felt undeserving of health, who have derailed our own efforts, who have succeeded…and then succeeded to undo all of our hard work, we don’t believe we deserve health - a healthy body, mind, spirit or weight.
It tied in beautifully with something else I heard on the weekend. A quote from the movie “Akeela and the Bee”. It was on the wall of the characters mentor and it goes like this:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are ALL meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people the permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” MaryAnne Williamson
We self-destruct, self-sabotage, undo our hard work because we are afraid to shine. We are afraid to be all that we can be. The world tells us all the time that we can’t be this…that…and the other thing. People will gladly tell you all that is wrong with you, all that you should do differently, and they rarely tell you what is right. No one, but noone, tears us down more that we do ourselves. If I were to ask each of you what you didn’t like about your bodies, selves, personality, habits…I would bet that most people would answer very quickly and have many responses. If I were to ask you what was brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous about yourself - would it take you awhile to think about it? Would you hesitate, list only a few, be doubtful? Why?
If we shine, become healthy and take that step towards all that we can be - how do we stay there?
We stay there by doing the work on the “inside”; in our heads, hearts and spirit. We nurture and heal if we need to. We build up - not tear down. We dust off and learn to forgive - ourselves. We learn to love ourselves by saying “no” to those self-destructive thoughts, actions and emotions that stifle us.
And then we shine. We liberate ourselves from the fear that grips our lives - pain, hurt, humiliation - and we shine from the inside out. The people who surround you will become shining stars too…and you will attract people who build you up with love and support. They will be liberated from their fears and find their shine too. You will teach and lead by example when you learn to love yourself by saying “no” to self-destruction, self sabotage and self-hatred.
Be strong in spirit and do the work on the inside.
Filed under: Thoughts — Stephanie @ 9:28 pm
If you can be anything in the world, be yourself
I’m sitting in the local coffee shop, watching large white snowflakes fall outside the window as I write this.
I’m at the coffee shop for two reasons. Firstly, it’s my soul fix. For those of us in the world who are people watchers, a coffee shop is the perfect place to be one, especially on a cool and snowy day. All sorts of characters enter into this warm haven - our local heroes - firefighters and paramedics, the CEO of a national bank, students playing hookie from school, a retired principal grabbing a few moments to read, professional musicians having a lazy Monday, the local horticulturist enjoying a “rest” day. Laughter amongst the tables, hellos and deep conversation dot the room. Smiles from the people behind the counter say “welcome” and I get inspired while enjoying a tasty “Snakebite” coffee.
The second reason why I’ve come here is because on cool, glum, snowy days, I seek comfort. Quite often that comfort comes in the form of food and I found myself “hunting” in my pantry. I’m not hungry or thirsty, but that didn’t stop me from scouring my cupboards in search of something that would wrap my heart and soul in reassuring memories….like oatmeal cookies. Yes, there they were in my cookie jar, complete with chocolate chips. MMMMMM….Perfect. And as my hand was dipping into that jar, I caught myself. “Stephanie, what are you doing?” I had a logical answer..”I’m having a cookie. I’m playing volleyball tonight. I can afford a cookie.”
Therein lies the problem. I could afford a cookie. I also know that on days like today, one cookie isn’t going to do. It’s not a hunger I’m trying to fill. I’m trying to recreate a feeling, an emotion, an experience and if I use cookies to do it - not only will I recreate that feeling, but also the guilt, anger, disappointment and potentional mild depression that follows by not making the healthiest choice for my body.
I want to feel warm. I want to feel safe. I want to feel comfortable. I want to feel in control and not overwhelmed by work. I want to feel good. How do I recreate that without food?
Experts say that a craving lasts for an average of 4-6 minutes. This isn’t a craving. I don’t want a specific food. Sure the cookies look good and they would do. For a minute. Then it would be the peanut butter, or the banana muffins, or the cheese.
If this was a craving or a problem food, I would recommend to people to remove the “red light” food from the house. Again, it’s not the food I’m after. I’m trying to recreate a feeling and my memory tells me food is a part of that. Ultimately, nothing I eat is going to satisfy that.
So, I remove myself from the house. I recognize and acknowledge the feeling and it’s “root cause” (avoidance). I talk to some people and friends at the coffee shop. I remind myself that health is my ultimate goal and to do that, I need to get my emotional eating under control. I blog and share my feelings with you. Lastly, I remind myself that I am a work in progress and this is all about learning how to deal with different situations and emotions.
As I finish writing this, another character enters and leaves the coffee shop. She’s dressed in her white winter coat and starts humming loudly to herself as she waits for her coffee. The weather isn’t bringing her down…in fact, the music in her heart can’t help but come out.
I love the coffee shop. It’s where people, me included, can be anything in the world, including our emotionally food challenged selves.
Filed under: Thoughts — Stephanie @ 4:25 pm
Attitude is Gratitude
Thanksgiving is over…and in my mind, I renamed the holiday. Yes, I know I’m taking liberty, but I renamed it “Giving thanks”.
I had the opportunity to spend Givingthanks with 4 other families at a beautiful chalet in Fernie, BC this past weekend. It was a weekend of laughter, copious amounts of food, fresh air, first and seconds. Now, what do I mean by firsts and seconds? More on that in a bit.
While enjoying the company and commaraderie of my new American friends, I had the opportunity to move my body. Exercise is an INTEGRAL part of the getting healthy program. We MUST move our bodies. No, you don’t need to run marathons, climb mountains or become a body builder. You do, however, need to move your body for at least 30 minutes everyday. You can change your food all you want, you can add exercise and not change your food all you want, but unless you do both, fitness, health and permanent weightloss will allude you. Period.
I went trail running with a new found friend Kristin. Kristin is a half-marathoner, originally from Texas but now living in Canada. I found her awe-inspiring. Why? Because she is a mom of 3 amazing young men, wife to a hardworking, committed executive, an a professional herself - and most importantly, because she radiates health. She recognizes the importance of moving her body for fitness of mind and spirit - and because it sets a heck of a good example for her wonderful children. Their love of adventure and sport is evident - and she is a part of that. How many teenage boys can say their Mom would gladly go mountainbiking with them?
As we ran the trails of the mountains in Fernie (a first), I was struck by how my body moves so much differently than 5 years ago. How? Well, it moves quickly. It moves fluidly. It moves with strength. I can’t wait for you to experience that! Confidence in your body and how it can move.
Another first for me also happened this past weekend also. At the age of 39, I experienced mountain biking for the first time. Big deal? Yes! To come down the mountain, you must first go UP the mountain. A feat for even the fittest of people. Once there, to manouevre the trail, roots, logs, holes while barreling down the side of the mountain, brakes smoking in my case, made me realize once again that it was ”givingthanks” weekend. I was “giving thanks” for my muscles, my endurance, my body. Thank you for remembering to move and breathe after I abused you so badly with food. Thank you for allowing me to experience another “first” at 39.
My second during “giving thanks” day was the memorial service of a dear old friend, Bruce. Bruce was a high school classmate of mine. Humourous and sensitive, energetic and intelligent, he was the consummate friend and confidante. We lost touch over the years, but reconnected at our 20th high school reunion last year. This was a second, because Bruce was the second classmate who’s funeral I had attended because they could no longer stand to be here on earth.
Bruce had made a life list as a child. I’m a firm believer in life lists. If it’s written down, like a food journal, it seems so much more committed. In his short 39 years, Bruce had achieved all his life list (ie. swimming in the ocean, jumping out of a plane) except for 3 things: to catch a dragon, to be an astronaut and to find “treasure”. It was a truly poignant moment when Bruce’s love eulagized that Bruce had almost completed his list, but he in fact never realized that he was actually the “treasure” to be found. I’m “givingthanks” for the treasure of Bruce in my life.
His death teaches me many things. It teaches me that when I’m troubled, challenged, concerned, confused, angry, stubborn, overwhelmed and all those other emotions that I can feel in a day - that “givingthanks” is what I should be doing - because I can feel. I can deal with it. I can work through it. I can move. I can breathe. I am.
Kristin said to me on Sunday evening when I remarked how thrilled I was to experience mountain biking for the first time and that my body was able to do it “Stephanie, the attitude is gratitude”. She is right. Let our attitudes be gratitude everyday…not just on “givingthanks” day.
This blog is dedicated to Bruce Braham - a light in my life. 1967 - 2006.
Filed under: Thoughts — Stephanie @ 3:06 pm
